Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Cinematography is my passion
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Our lord and savoury.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
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Squash
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.