“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
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PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK