Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
hi why am I like this
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Canadian owl: Eh?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.