Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
You Might Also Like
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.