“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.