Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
You Might Also Like
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”