@Home_Halfway: Can I still watch 300 if I haven't seen the first 299
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@jessokfine: I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
@joejwest: HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home
@lemonmartinis: How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute