I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.