“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.