Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
getting groceries
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious