Lassie, get help!
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Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
are they though??
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do