Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
they split up moments later
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you