Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!