20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
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My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
sliding into dms like