Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming