@badbanana: Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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@EndhooS: [Wakes up in hospital after car crash] I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your feet. "OMG why?" You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
@YesitsAl: Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now
@lecalabara: Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
@HallpassCanada: You know you're getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.