Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Bros before Ohioes
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.