Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings