@TeaBeaPea: Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
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@Sickayduh: "911 what's your emergency?" - I've been catfished by a dozen men "We're on our way" - Gonna arrest them? "Gonna shut off your internet"
@KatieBurnett: I've just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented "rip". Stop the internet, I wanna get off
@djdarrellripley: I should have seen this breakup coming.... The nicest thing she ever said to me was, "Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
@shutupmikeginn: Lifehack: If whenever someone asks your opinion on something you say, "Now thats-a spicy meatball!" people will learn not to ask you things.