I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority