Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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adam and eve had first world problems
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
This is a true ally.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.