Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
You Might Also Like
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
me irl
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”