I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else