@HatesNiceThings: Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!
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@BobScottCPA: But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it's a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing
@myles_morrison: I start every argument off with "first of all..." like I'm really going to school them, but my second point is always just name calling.
@JohnLyonTweets: My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn't ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
@squirrel74wkgn: It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”