@HatesNiceThings: Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!
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@Brianhopecomedy: Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, "NA NA, you couldn't stop me!" so he also received his first cross-check.
@dildointherough: Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
@MUMSIEesq: SECURITY GUARD: You can't bring open containers of alcohol in here. ME: This is a service beer.