@HatesNiceThings: Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!
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@SlipCarefully: To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.
@Book_Krazy: [Doctors appointment] Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
@sploosk: THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
@Coops_Bradley: That's a really big gun in your pants. And that's how you get out of a speeding ticket.