Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
respect
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.