Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
You Might Also Like
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily