Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
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Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
S M O L
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken