Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case