“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day