“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
we’re gonna need another temp
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Vodka burrito was a success
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.