Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
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Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right