“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.