Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs