Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
This probably isn’t good
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.