Canada has crack?
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
u spoke cat all this time??????
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat