Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
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surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
no one ever comes back
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.