the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what