Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”