Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I love the honesty
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice