Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.