CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
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Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Our lord and savoury.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
thanks auntie mary
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.