My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
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My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Cardio Made Easy
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
“What?”
– Jude
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn