[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
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If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Pringles
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money