Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Meat Cute
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.