[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it