Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams