@nayele18: Can't afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.
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@chuuew: FARMER: can I help you, sir? ME: this ain't my first rodeo, buddy FARMER: [narrows eyes] ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
@BoozieEyedJoe: My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
@gibbet: As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself ............I'm gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
@gingerfaced: What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.