Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Erm I’m gonna say no
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Cool shirt 🙂
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.