Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?