[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
You Might Also Like
ouch
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Wise advice
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.