Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.