@davedittell: can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
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@TheFearBoners: 8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.
@MelKassel: ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? VET: where exactly is your dog ME: he's uh coming later
@KyleMcDowell86: [job interview] "What's your biggest weakness?" "My honesty" "I don't think-" "I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night"