smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many