@davedittell: can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
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@T_Bonezzz_: [ First Date ] Her: OMG, I've been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself.. Me: HODOR...
@WeissBrandon: Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories The library (My 6yo told me to tweet this)
@smedlee: The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.
@No_Job_Joe: My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don't see why he can't just clean it off his desk, and move on.
@SondraDeeMe: [sex in car] ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching? BF: Yes UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
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