@davedittell: can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
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@RickAaron: I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
@juliussharpe: I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn't stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
@topaz_kell: If you look up my hair color history at the salon, you'll think I'm a unicorn.
@KattieCO_H: "Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me." -My toilet
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