Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
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yes yes a thousand times yes!
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
he chose this
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.