Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
felt that
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
everyone’s a critic
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-